The Independent Party of America (IPA) has nominated Kyle Schwarber as its candidate for President of the United States. IPA president Jim Connors said “voters are clearly unexcited about both candidates, so it only makes sense to give the people what they want: a great comeback story.”
With no known political baggage, Schwarber is a shoe-in to win at least his home state of Ohio. And since 1860, only two presidents have won without carrying Ohio: Franklin Delano Roosevelt and John F Kennedy. Even so, he feels he has done what neither of those men could.
“Both those guys had injuries they just couldn’t come back from. Not me! Look at me! I’m a beast!”
Some experts, including DePaul political science professor Joseph Brown, have raised concerns about Schwarber’s ability to balance leading the free world while playing baseball.
“I just don’t see how he can possibly assemble an entire administration, put together a Hundred Day Plan and then play seven months of ball,” saif Brown.
Schwarber responded, “Yeah, well, did you ever think I’d be hitting .429 in the World F—ing Series?”
As for the other Cubs players running this year, the Rizzo-Bryant ticket is of no concern to the brawny hero. “Bryzzo? C’mon. Those two clowns are too busy hawking their ‘souvenirs.’ They need to get their priorities straight.”
His biggest endorsement to date came Wednesday night after Game 2 of the World Series, from no other than Joe Buck. “Once the Dodgers were out of it, it took me a while to get over Clayton Kershaw. But then here comes dreamy Kyle Schwarber.”
No U.S. president has ever sported a goatee. Benjamin Harrison was the last president to sport a beard, in 1893.