Today at Halas Hall, Bears President George McCaskey announced he had had enough. Bears quarterback Jay Cutler would be suspended for the first four games of the season due to his deflating attitude. McCaskey added that the recent suspension of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was the impetus for the decision.

“We were surprised about the suspension for Brady. However, Ted [Phillips] and I quickly acted afterwards. If Tom Brady could be suspended, then sure as hell we could suspend Jay,” said an emphatic McCaskey. “Thank goodness the Wells Report mentioned the deflating and defeatist attitude of Jay. Once we saw the word deflating we knew that had to be about our ‘so-called’ leader. The folded arms, the eye roll, the don’t-care attitude.”

New Bears coach John Fox seemed relieved by the suspension.

“I’m here a few months and I’ve had it with him. I asked him out to Gibsons and the guy blows me off. He takes all the air out of our practices. He walks around like he’s the one that’s won four Super Bowl rings. Deflating? Yeah, that’s your quarterback, Bears fans.”

For his part, Cutler remained unconcerned.

“I’m not worried about it. That means more time with Kristin [Cavallari] and the kids. Plus I still get paid. I think we’ll take the kids to Maui,”┬ásaid Cutler.

When the media mentioned Cutler is not actually mentioned in the Wells Report, McCaskey disagreed.

“Oh he’s mentioned alright. Somewhere towards the end.”