Seemingly with nowhere to turn and through fear of the franchise cratering under the Cutler contract, Bears Chairman, George McCaskey has announced the services of Liam Neeson.

McCaskey expounded, “Honestly we didn’t know what to do. Everyone wants Cutler gone, but we don’t know how. We can’t cut him, we can’t trade him. We’re at his mercy. Our options are exhausted. This franchise is held hostage by both his contract and his maddening style of play. We can’t tolerate another season of his self-righteousness. It’s a dire situation. We need help.”

“This will be my most difficult role,” said Neeson. “I’ve had to battle Nazis, human traffickers, even Darth Vader. But this is Jay Cutler. I’m not sure I’ve witnessed anyone as heartless. Chicago needs to be rescued and I’m just the man to do it.”

“This is the type of out-of-the-box thinking that we needed,” added McCaskey. “Just as I was resigned to our fate, I happened to see his commercials. It was then that I knew Liam was the answer. I could just feel his fearlessness, loyalty and of course his skills. I thought, ‘He’ll be the one to save us.’ Really he’s this city’s only hope.”

“I can’t let this franchise spiral any further,” said Neeson. “Can you believe he’s owed another $38 million minimum? That could all be dead money towards the cap. Does he think he’s going to get away with this? Not on my watch. This madman must be stopped. I’ll be on a plane tonight.”