To celebrate the New Year, the Chicago Bears have released their list of resolutions for 2015. Taking up roughly 30 pages of a small-font Word document, the list contains a total of 1,309 areas in which the organization thinks it can improve. These range from the obvious, such as “#4: Hire a good head coach” to the more nuanced, as seen with “#832: Replace the ketchup dispensers at the concession stands of Soldier Field.”
The list seems to address the myriad of problems the team faced during their ill-fated 2014 campaign.
“We wanted to start this year right,” Bears President Ted Phillips said in a statement accompanying the release of the list. “We didn’t want to just have a winning season, which is of course our first resolution, we wanted to address the serious issues our team faces, and use the New Year as a motivation to fix the problems, from resolution #9, which is to shore up our defense, to resolution #193, which is to drive Chris Conte to a park in Indiana, leave him there, and drive away quickly.”
In a later press conference, when asked why “make the playoffs” was left off of the resolution list, Phillips told reporters, “Well, we don’t want to set unrealistic goals, now do we?”