To celebrate the New Year, the Chicago Bears have released their list of resolutions for 2015.  Taking up roughly 30 pages of a small-font Word document, the list contains a total of 1,309 areas in which the organization thinks it can improve. These range from the obvious, such as “#4: Hire a good head coach” to the more nuanced, as seen with “#832: Replace the ketchup dispensers at the concession stands of Soldier Field.”

The list seems to address the myriad of problems the team faced during their ill-fated 2014 campaign.

“We wanted to start this year right,” Bears President Ted Phillips said in a statement accompanying the release of the list. “We didn’t want to just have a winning season, which is of course our first resolution, we wanted to address the serious issues our team faces, and use the New Year as a motivation to fix the problems, from resolution #9, which is to shore up our defense, to resolution #193, which is to drive Chris Conte to a park in Indiana, leave him there, and drive away quickly.”

In a later press conference, when asked why “make the playoffs” was left off of the resolution list, Phillips told reporters, “Well, we don’t want to set unrealistic goals, now do we?”

Jeff GoodSmith