Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Cleveland Browns Cardiac kids claim another comeback contest 26-24 over Atlanta. A classic Billy Cundiff kick as time expired sealed the win in a game that featured the return of WR Josh “Oh my Gosh!” Gordon (120 yards). Looks like the AFC north is in for a mother (bleeping) Brown out, chumps!!
9 – Seattle Seahawks Carroll’s Crew Crushes Cardinals 19-3, stake their claim as the best birds of the NFC west, baby!! Seahawks stuff Stanton and Sons, holding Arizona to just 204 total yards. Placekicker Steve Hauschka smashes 4 field goals to lead the way.
8 – Baltimore Ravens Raven Alert! Raven Alert! The ravenous Ravens are getting red hot at the right time, sending the Saints to a 34-27 Superdome suplex slam! Steve Smith (or, as I call him, the shorter, blacker Gronk) scores the Gordie Howe football hat trick (Catch, TD, fight) while Justin Forsett butter churns 182 yards on the ground (2 TDs).
7 – Philadelphia Eagles Eager Eagles take opening kickoff for a 107-yard TD (Josh Huff), easily eviscerate terrible Titans 43-24. LeSean McCoy LeRushed for 130 yards and a score while Mark Sanchez threw for 307 yards and avoided any butt-related catastrophe.
6 – Dallas Cowboys Escape from New York! Cowboys come from behind 31-28 on last-minute TD pass from Tony Romo to Dez Bryant, setting up a first-place title fight on Thanksgiving vs. Philly. I don’t expect a good, clean fight, it’s going to be a hittin’ below the belt rabbit punch extravaganza. I can’t wait!
5 – Denver Broncos Proud Papa John’s pitchman Peyton paces Denver with four TD passes in 39-36 decision vs. Miami. Manning connects with Demaryius Thomas (this week’s Master of Disaster) for 3 of those scores while the Broncos rediscover their running roots as they dizzy the Dolphins with 201 yards on the ground.
4 – Green Bay Packers Patented Pack Pounding of the Purple People Eaters! With Peppers & pals perhaps peeking ahead to next week’s monster matchup with the Pats, Green Bay takes 24-21 decision in Minneapolis behind 125 rush yards and a pair of TDs by “Easy” Eddie Lacy.
3 – Arizona Cardinals Phall of the Phoenix, Arizona phisted by Seahawks. ‘Zona failed to crack the end zone code in 19-3 pummel party in the pacific northwest, lose 2nd game of the season. Defense does pick up seven sacks of Russell Wilson but “O” was as dry as the desert.
2 – New England Patriots Seven straight for the Massachusetts Minute Men!! Patriots de-claw Detroit 34-9, not even allowing a single sack of “Top” Tom Brady by Lions’ #1 ranked “D”. Mr. Bundchen passed for 349 yards and 2 TD strikes to Tim Wright.
1 – Oakland Raiders Thursday night thrashing in Oakland, baby! The Silver & Black sack bitter rival Kansas City 24-20 on a clutch comeback TD toss from “Dramatic DC” (Derek Carr) to James Jones with 1:42 left in the game. Latavius Murray had 112 yards rushing on just four carries (with two TDs, including a 90-yarder) before needing the smelling salts. Commitment to Excellence? No, Commitment to Dominance!

Program note – The Nov. 30 edition of the un-televised NFL pre-game show starring myself and Marv Levy (henceforth to be known as Marv.0) is going on location to Buffalo. Myself, Marv.0, Bruce Smith and Andre Reed will shovel out Ralph Wilson Stadium and then play flag football with Buffalo chapter of the Swedish bikini team. It’s possible Marv & I don’t take this show as seriously as the National Football League would like us to. Here we go!

Patrick O. Elia