Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Detroit Lions Lions lick Falcons 22-21 in crazy ass British blimey comeback! Stafford wins the War of the Matts, out-passing Ryan with 325 yards and 2 TDs. And the Lions hit all of their field goals?!? Here we go!
9 – Indianapolis Colts Colts crushed, KO’ed and kaputted at ketchup stadium as Steelers stampede ‘em 51-34. Heinz field shootout championship belt goes to Ben Roethlisberger (this week’s Master of Disaster) as he passes for 522 yards and 6 TDs (Andrew Luck, aside from a butt safety, has a stellar game himself with 400 yards and 3 TDs).
8 – New England Patriots Pats punk bad Bears 51-23! Rob Gronkowski, a ballerina in cleats, scores on 3 Tom Brady tosses (and punches out a Chicago secondary sucker in the process). Patriots – acceptable!
7 – San Diego Chargers Laid back Lightning Bolts blistered by Broncos!! San Diego suffers second straight setback 35-21 while barely cracking 300 yards of offense at Mile High. Phillip Rivers throws 3 TD strikes but also 2 costly interceptions. Sorry Charlie Charger!
6 – Philadelphia Eagles “Gnarly” Nick Foles and his fine feathered Philly friends lose lead late in Arizona, fall 24-20. “Joltin” Jeremy Maclin almost the hero with 187 yards receiving and 2 TDs, he’s one Mighty Mac!
5 – Cincinnati Bengals Kings of the North! Hopefully they, unlike House Stark, keep their heads. Belated spoiler alert! First place Bengals bathe the Ravens in their own blood 27-24 as Andy “Dartin’” Dalton throws for 266 yards and runs for 2 TDs.
4 – Arizona Cardinals Adulation for Arizona! Carson Palmer connects with “Long” John Brown for clutch go-ahead 75 yard TD in 24-20 Philly fillet (medium rare, of course!). “Fast” Larry Fitzgerald goes off like old times with 160 yards receiving and a score.
3 – Denver Broncos Chargers chaffed by Chiefs, chopped down by a damn field goal and fall 23-20. But the good news is former SD QB Dan Fouts is starting a web series called “Quarterbacks in cars getting coffee”. I’ll watch!
2 – Dallas Cowboys No Romo-antic OT ending in Big “D”, Washington whips ‘Boys behind 3rd string waterboy wanna be Colt McCoy. Highlight of the 20-17 setback: DeMarco Murray rushes for over 100 yards for the eighth straight game.
1 – Oakland Raiders Well there goes the undefeated season! In a rematch of the 1980 AFC championship game the Browns finally exact revenge on my boys, 23-13. But, as my old coach John Madden would say, “Well, Bam! There goes that one, but you know, the post-game spread is gonna be cold cuts and maybe some crab dip and some beer. But don’t eat too much because there’s gonna be a meal on the plane home.”
Program note – The November 2nd edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will debut our new feature, Marv’s Moments. Marv does his best Roy Firestone imitation in getting today’s top stars to cry on camera as they recount their tough stories getting to the NFL. We might also do Marv’s Movements, if the bran starts to help him out.