Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Detroit Lions Lions come roarrrrrring back in thrilling comeback vs. Saints, it’s not too Suh-n to talk about playoffs in the Motor City. Matthew Stafford passed for 299 yards and 2 fourth quarter TDs, turning a 23-10 deficit into a 24-23 KO.
9 – Indianapolis Colts Stallions stomp Cincy 27 – nil! Andrew “The Alchemist” Luck (due to his ability to turn common football players to gold) throws for 344 yards and 2 TDs while the Indy “D” holds the Bengals to just 135 yards of offense and 8 first downs.
8 – New England Patriots Guys of Gronk jock jittery Jets! Pats slip by New York 27-25 on a Thursday night Thriller in Thrill England! Tom Brady passes for 3 TDs and Chris Jones rejected a last-second game winning FG attempt by Nick Folk.
7 – Denver Broncos Party of Peyton pummels 49ers 42-17 as Manning sets the all-time touchdown pass record (509). “DDT” Demaryius Thomas torches SF for 2 scores (including the record breaker). The only suspense in this one was the game of keep away hot potato the Broncos played with Manning after the record throw.
6 – Philadelphia Eagles Eagles spend their bye week recording new album with their old bandmate/teammate Don Henley. “Witchy Woman 2,” written by DeSean Jackson, has hit written all over it!
5 – Baltimore Ravens Ridiculous Ravens route Falcons! Baltimore “D” looking like days of old, sacking sad sack Matt Ryan 5 times (once for a safety by Terrell Suggs) in commanding 29-7 slaughter.
4 – Green Bay Packers Frankie goes to Lambeau! Packers relax, get to it, stuff the Panthers, you knew it! Aaron Rodgers has the TD pass hat trick (one to Randall “Tex” Cobb, who caught passes for a total of 121 yards).
3 – San Diego Chargers Chargers chaffed by Chiefs, chopped down by a damn field goal and fall 23-20. But the good news is former SD QB Dan Fouts is starting a web series called “Quarterbacks in cars getting coffee.” I’ll watch!
2 – Dallas Cowboys More Cowboys-Bell! DeMarco Dallas Dominator Murray again tops 100 yards (for the seventh straight game) and Tony Romo almost knocks over Alex Rodriguez running onto the field before passing for 279 yards and three TDs.
1 – Oakland Raiders Raiders get rinsed out by Arizona in shocking stunner. I had to jump-start my heart with defibrillators and cranking up Motley Crue’s “Kick Start my Heart” after the game. Grrrr!!!

Program note – The October 25th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will come to you live from London as we pop over the pond with the Lions & Falcons. We bring the Englands the gift of our great gab, a feature on Steelers’ Brett Keisel’s beard (is it a sustainable crop?) and try and figure out what’s wrong with the Seahawks.

Patrick O. Elia