Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – New Orleans Saints Rex Ryan’s renegades need to get their act together after getting pooped on by Atlanta’s dirty bird (Falcons pile up 568 yards). The Drew Crew, aside from Marques Colston’s OT fumble, remains as explosive as TNT even without Darren Sproles.
9 – Atlanta Falcons Marvelous Matt Ryan rallies the red & black to 37-34 OT TKO WTF win over ‘Nawlins. The stat sheet stuffing QB throws for 448 yards and 3 TDs.
8 – Miami Dolphins Marine mammals maul the Bearded Bradys! ‘Fins score the final 23 points in 33-20 comeback led by cagey Cameron Wake’s two sacks and two forced fumbles.
7 – Detroit Lions Already an EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar & Tony) winner, Calvin Johnson begins campaign to add NFL MVP to his list of accolades. Good start:164 yards/2 TD Monday Night Mayhem performance in 35-14 Lion lick-down of Giants.
6 – San Francisco 49ers “KO” Colin Kaepernick leads his prospectors to Dallas for some solid gold touchdowns! Gracious Cowboy Tony Romo sets up SF for swift scores with 3 INTs. Vernon Davis hits paydirt twice in 28-17 triumph.
5 – Philadelphia Eagles Balboa’s Bruisers beat Jacksonville late, 34-17 (scoring all 34 in the 2nd half). Quick Nick Foles fires first down punches good for 322 yards & 2 TDs. Philadelphia freedom…
4 – New England Patriots I can’t put the Pats any lower than fourth as Bill Belichick is standing over my shoulder with a pistol in his front pocket (or he’s happy to see me). Loss to Miami was bad, but at least Rob Gronkowski returned with a TD grab.
3 – Denver Broncos Mighty Men of Manning (minus Molly Welker) cruise by clueless Colts 31-24. Peyton hooks up with Julius Thomas for 3 scores in first half. It is logical a mature, untrained horse (bronco) would defeat a young male horse (colt).
2 – Seattle Seahawks Champs fondue cheese-Pack! Not only does Aaron Rodgers not attempt a pass in Mr. Richard Sherman’s neighborhood, he doesn’t even look at him in pregame warm-ups. Marshawn Lynch clinches win with 2 TD runs.
1 – Oakland Raiders Don’t cheat baby! Silver & Black win by forfeit as league discovers NY Jet Chris Ivory used an illegal jet pack to score decisive TD. Dynamic Derek Carr throws two TDs in debut.

Program note – The September 14th edition of my untelevised NFL pregame show starring Mr. Weathers and Marv Levy will feature a blue ribbon panel of Mike Ditka, Rodney Harrison & Dan Fouts to discuss the NFL’s flag fetish regarding defensive backfield play. Like Tom Brady said, when we suck we’ll retire (unlike Chris Berman).

Patrick O. Elia