In an unprecedented statement today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell made public his desire to expand the NFL preseason to 18 games. Goodell stated that he would be contacting player union president DeMaurice Smith with his detailed blueprint, which includes preseason games played multiple times during any given week.

“People want more football. Look at Green Bay. Now, granted, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, to do there. But the Packers have open practices that draw in excess of 50,000 people,” Goodell said. “Fans have told us that our current product is not enough. You tell me the people of Buffalo, New Orleans or even a big market like Chicago don’t want the preseason expanded? The attendance and the merchandise sold indicate they do.”

“Dictatorship, pure and unadulterated dictatorship,” a stern Smith echoed. “The NFL preaches player safety first but they keep wanting to expand these games. If we’re not careful the NFL will be playing year round. Pensions and insurance and disability are apparently of no concern to the commissioner. Not to mention the increasing case of concussions and their possible role in CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy). I have no further comment.”

When asked about how a possible 18-game preseason would affect player safety, Goodell was contrite. “Player safety is first and foremost the concern of mine and everyone in the NFL, but imagine all the money we’d rake in with these extra games. Additionally we’re working on a study of concussions that will be completed by 2029 so we’re moving in the right direction.”

Goodell added, “People want their football and we need to give them what they want. More beers, more obscenities, and more Peyton. Lots of Peyton. However, I assure you that we’d limit the games for the Jaguars. What was [Paul] Tagliabue thinking approving that franchise?”

When asked if the increase in preseason games would bring discounted ticket prices compared to regular season games, Goodell simply smirked.