After spending approximately eight hours at the Cubs’ new spring training facility Friday, the editors of The Heckler have logged a long list of complaints and necessary improvements at the stadium. Here are the top 11:
1. Mark Grace Kissing Booth features the current drunk and bloated Mark Grace rather than the slim and sexy 1990s version.
2. They’ve tried really hard to make you feel like you’re at Wrigley but the park lacks such familiarities as $100 bleacher tickets and strong urine scent.
3. Arizona State ads in team program feature fully clothed coeds, which is completely unrealistic of every fantasy we’ve ever had.
4. Tailgate-crashing Todd Ricketts unable to clear even one beer bong.
5. Life-size Jan Brewer statue in front of stadium makes the governor appear lucid and intelligent.
6. Choppy cell phone reception makes it difficult to ignore game by checking out Facebook and Tinder.
7. Not nearly enough of the Arizona tax dollars that supported the construction of the complex were diverted from state’s education budget.
8. Meeting Tom Ricketts is a nice treat for fans, but his insistence on walking every person to their seats and buying their first round of drinks seems a little much.
9. Outfield billboard for local Portillo’s rubs it in that restaurant is more than a mile away, as opposed to next to your seat like you wish it was.
10. The team apparently plans to vacate the sunny paradise of Arizona for harsh Chicago temperatures in approximately one month.
11. No matter how great the facilities might be, the Cubs play there so you know it’ll never be all that awesome.