After it was revealed that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell earned $44 million in 2012, despite the protracted NFL replacement referee debacle, players were outraged to learn all revenue from fines go directly to Goodell’s checking account at JP Morgan Chase.
“I had a feeling something was up,” said Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh. “Now it makes sense why [Goodell] always seemed so happy during those meetings about fines and suspensions.”
According to the bombshell report, Goodell personally strong-armed league officials to “double and sometimes triple” fines handed out to players, even when the reasoning was vague.
“Wearing the wrong color shoelaces, tapping a guy on the shoulder when he’s out of bounds … it was like, boom, $20,000,” said Bears receiver Brandon Marshall. “I guess everyone needs to get paid, but damn.”
Goodell has denied the report, stating that all revenues from player discipline go toward funding league research about concussions.
“Just kidding!” added Goodell. “And if you don’t like it, I’ll just fine your ass!”