Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Cincinnati Bengals Twas the night before Christmas when all through the Jungle not a Viking was stirring, not even Adrian Peterson. Andy Dalton threw 4 jolly TD strikes in 42-14 victory over the Norsemen.
9 – Philadelphia Eagles Old St. Nick Foles forgives Philly fans for booing Santa back in the ‘70’s, also throws for 2 TDs in 54-11 Bear-skinning.
8 – San Francisco 49ers San Fran wins last game at Candy Cane Park, 34-24 over Atlanta. Colin “Mistletoe” Kaepernick accounts for 247 yards and 2 TDs (1 rush).
7 – Kansas City Chiefs Perhaps a little Karma punishment to Andy Reid for imitating Santa this year, Chiefs fall to Colts 23-7. Jamal Charles rushes for 106 and a score.
6 – New Orleans Saints Jingle Bells, New Orleans smells, in Carolina they laid an egg. Drew lost his touch, Payton lost his lunch and they scored but 13 points (losing 17-13 to Panthers).
5 – Carolina Panthers On the 24th Day of Tackling my Luke Kuechly gave to me another walnut crunching hit on a Saint! This week’s Master of Disaster, Kuechly, recorded 24 stops in victory.
4 – New England Patriots Bah Humbug, Baltimore! Bill Noel-ichick’s team forces 4 turnovers, scoring on two of them as Tom Brady & Co. sled off with a 41- 7 nutcracker.
3 – Seattle ‘Hawks Santa gives the Seahawks’ 12th man a little coal in their collective Christmas stocking, Arizona stuns the ‘Hawks at home 17-10. Russell Wilson looked drunk on eggnog with only 108 pass yards.
2 – Denver Broncos On Dancer! On Dasher! On Thomas (Demaryius)! On Thomas (Julius)! Peyton sets the single season TD pass record with 51 during 37-13 blitzing of Texans.
1 – Oakland Raiders This date in Raider History: 1981 – Lyle Alzado, playing Santa at the team Christmas party, gets whistled for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty (juggling the Raider cheerleaders).
Program note – The December 29th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature us handing out gifts to the NFL players that didn’t make the playoffs. Calvin Johnson gets a new bike, RGIII gets a new ACL, Ben Roth…roth…burger…berger…, you know, the guy from the Steelers, he gets a new lawyer for his next sexual harassment trial.