Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Philadelphia Eagles Nick Folds in Minny Metrodome melt-down. Foles throws for 3 scores and 428 yards but Vikings run all over Philly “D” in 48-30 knockout.
9 – Chicago Bears Cutler’s charges crush Cleveland 38-31, Joltin’ Jay recovers from slow start to throw for 265 yards & 3 TDs.
8 – San Francisco 49ers SF bent the Bucs over their knee and tanned their butts 33-14. Colin Kaepernick throws for a couple hundred yards and 2 TDs.
7 – Kansas City Chiefs Kansas City beats (rival AFC West team) 56-31. Jamaal Charles becomes first NFL running back to catch 4 TD passes in one game.
6 – Carolina Panthers No flights to New York out of Carolina! Panthers jack up Jets 30-20 behind Cam Newton’s 273 yards passing & one score.
5 – New Orleans Saints Maybe making those Pepsi commercials with One Direction rubbed some wuss off on Drew Brees. Creole crusaders creamed in St. Louis by Chris Long’s lads 27-16. Drew throws for 393, but picked off twice.
4 – New England Patriots New England nipped 24-20 in Miami. Tom Brady throws for 364 and 2 TDs but, after profanity filled post-game interview, will now have to speak through the crazy Mandela interpreter remainder of season.
3 – Seattle ‘Hawks Seattle shuts out Giants in Super Bowl dress rehearsal, 23-0. “Legion of Boom” defense earns this week’s Master of disaster by holding Big Blue to 181 yards and picking off Eli Manning 5 times.
2 – Denver Broncos Broncos electrocuted at home by Ryan Matthews (127 rush yards/TD) & his San Diego shockers. Chargers win 27-20 while holding Manning & Co. to 295 total yards.
1 – Oakland Raiders This date in Raider History: 1965 – Al Davis rigs football used by K.C. Chiefs so it can be piloted like a radio-controlled helicopter, nudges potential Chiefs winning field goal wide right in 28-27 Raider victory.

Program note – The December 22nd edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will break down what situation is more messed up, The Washington RGIII/Shanahan/Snyder power struggle, the Texas football/Mack Brown fiasco or Mike “The Situation” from Jersey Shore.

Patrick O. Elia