Derrick Rose made headway this off-season when he claimed to have increased his vertical five inches, though we all would have preferred he worked on his five turnovers per game this year, Carlos is not one to be out done. He announced he improved his vertical by five millimeters, going from 4 inches to 4.08 inches.

“You may wonder how a physical beast like me can improve my vertical,” said a gloating Boozer after a recent practice at the Berto Center. “First off I yelled at my legs all summer, stashed away all my gym bags and never, never, attempted to shift over to help defend all preseason, now look at me! I’m jumping over cracks in the sidewalks with ease.”


Brew Dreesus