The Nintendo Universe was shaken to its very core today as news reports surfaced that Luigi had in fact failed his third drug test. Luigi is the popular plumber from the well-known video game Super Mario Bros. In the game, the object is to save Princess Toadstool from the evil dragon Bowser. For years, Luigi has played in the shadow of his older brother and speculation is rampant that he was looking to gain a competitive edge against Mario, who was always allowed to start ahead of him.
According to multiple media reports pertaining to the most recent failed drug test, Luigi is accused of trading golden coins for anabolic mushrooms and koopah antler spray while he was in the sewers of the underwater minus world.
Luigi’s older, and of course much more famous brother Mario, spoke first to the media because he always goes first.
“Thatsah not so good aah,” said Mario. “But let’s aah see if the panel can overturn his suspension ok now.”
Directly afterwards, Luigi addressed his detractors and talked about his appeal against the lifetime ban by stating, “I’m a gonna win.”
When pressed for further comment Luigi stuck to his guns.
“Luigi is aahh good yes … I’m a gonna win,” he asserted.
Not even Luigi’s staunchest defenders, Bill Blaster and the Hammer Brothers, could defend his regrettable actions. In a pre-written statement they claimed that ever since Luigi fought the False Bowser in Warp World 7 with unlimited Lives, he just hadn’t been the same.
Previously, Luigi was suspended for three turns from double-player gaming mode after using too many Starmen in the Underground Fireball Castle World. Also, Luigi had been sanctioned by the Nintendo governing body after refusing a drug test when he jumped over the Piranha Plants and onto the top of the flagpole in the Buzzy Beetle Overworld to get his 5,000 points.
Currently, Luigi is on a leave of absence as he tries to reconcile with his ex-girlfriend Princess Toadstool, who was recently seen in the tabloids with Mario. Mario explained the pictures of the two of them taken at 3AM outside the Mushroom Kingdom by stating that he was merely showing support for a close personal friend after her latest abduction by Bowser.