You don’t know Jesse Columbus, but Jesse Columbus knows a little baseball and for that reason he expects Cubs fans will know him very soon.

“They’ll be calling any day,” said Columbus about the Cubs. He manages an obscure team in an obscure league, and that’s why he expects to be the next manager of the Cubs.

“Kansas City gave Ned Yost an extension and Minnesota did the same with Ron [Gardenhire]. The Cubs fished for Joe Girardi and got nowhere, so now they’ll look at dark horses and fixate on me.”

Columbus has spent the last two seasons managing the Fargo Far-Outs in the independent Upper Midwest Baseball & Tractor Pull Association. The Far-Outs finished fourth out of seven teams in both seasons under Columbus, which is why he’s confident that makes him right for the Cubs.

“I’m an incredibly mediocre manager,” Columbus admits. “But Theo [Epstein] says he won’t judge managers on wins and losses. He knows the team can’t compete so he’ll hire some turd like me who’ll take the team to a couple more 90-loss seasons, get sacked, and then go away peacefully.”

Columbus concedes there are a lot of unknown, incompetent managers that Epstein may consider, but feels he has the inside track. “Sure, a lot of guys can get to 90 losses in 2014, but can they shave another 30-plus points off the batting averages of Starlin Castro and Anthony Rizzo? I know I can and they know they need those guys to slip a bit more before they announce the rebuild of the rebuild.”