Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Detroit Lions Extending two-game win streak un-Suh-stainble in Green Bay, kitties fall 22-9. It was a tough bout and Lions had one hand tied behind their back (Calvin Johnson unavailable for his typical Megatron-antics).
9 – Chicago Bears Lance Briggs retains his WBO/IBF/WBC title (14 tackles) but his mates hit like Glass Joe in home loss to Saints. Bears do remain Monsters of the Two-Point Conversion.
8 – Cleveland Browns Ain’t no mistake by the lake no more! Browns bruise Bills 37-24 and finally get around to electing the second best football player/actor, Jim Brown, into their Ring of Honor.
7 – Indy Colts ColtStrong! Indy sends Seattle packing with their first “L” of the season, 31-28. This week’s Master of Disaster T.Y. Hilton scorches top CB Richard Sherman for 140 yards & 2 TDs.
6 – New England Patriots Pats fall from the ranks of the unbeaten, losing 13-6 at Cincy. “Pretty Boy” Brady’s 52-game streak of at least one TD pass ends but his 87-game nailing a model on the road streak continues.
5 – Kansas City Chiefs K.C. boots Tennessee 26-17 (behind 4 Ryan Succop FGs), stays on pace for the big heavyweight PPV bout on 11/17 vs. Denver.
4 – New Orleans Saints Mardi Gras in Sausage City! The battle for Ditka’s Soul goes to the Saints 26-18 as Drew Brees tosses two scoring strikes to Pierre Thomas.
3 – Seattle ‘Hawks Pride of the Pacific Northwest bloodied in the heartland despite twin 102-yard rushing games from Marshawn Lynch & Russell Wilson.
2 – Denver Broncos Orange Crush scores over 50 second straight week behind Peyton Manning’s 5 total TDs (his rushing score wiped over 75 seconds off the clock, qualifying as Denver’s longest drive of the season). 51-48 KO of ‘pokes in Jerry World rates a 5 Predators (out of 5).
1 – Oakland Raiders Back in Black!!! We stayed up all night to slay the Chargers 27-17 as Charles Woodson scores his record-tying 13th career defensive TD (note: he also scored the first NFL defensive TD in the first NFL game ever played).
Program note – The October 13th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy features Marv unveiling his new Apps to help you enjoy (if for some reason you change the channel) the other NFL pregame shows. His top Apps:
The Shannon Sharpe translator & marble-mouth decoder App
The Terry Bradshaw Redneck/Hillbilly reduction & muting App
The Ray Lewis did he actually kill those people in Atlanta and was that dancing before games over-compensation App