Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Detroit Lions Suh-per Lions stomp Bears (legally, no silly Ndamukong personal fouls) 40-32 in Motown. Suh leads the way with 2 sacks, one of which lead to a Nick Fairley scoop & score.
9 – Miami Dolphins South Beach wiped out by a Saints-nado in New Orleans, 38-17. Ryan Tannehill throws 3 picks and fumbles once.
8 – Indianapolis Colts Who gives a crap about this game (Colts 37, Jags 3), the story is Jacksonville giving away free beer to drum up attendance. Here we go!!!!
7 – Chicago Bears Bears get a taste of their turnover medicine in Broke City, USA (3 INTs and a fumble returned for a Lion TD). Matt Forte runs for 95 yards and a TD as wild Chicago comeback falls just short.
6 – Kansas City Chiefs K.C. continues to Reid their new playbook perfectly, stomping homecoming opponent Giants 31-7 behind 288 yards and 3 TDs from Alex Smith.
5 – New England Patriots I admit, I was watching the “Breaking Bad” finale instead of Minute Men vs. Dirty Birds. The web tells me Tom Brady threw for 316 and two TDs in 30-23 Pat pasting.
4 – New Orleans Saints Cajun Crush Machine stages 3-hour fish fry in the Superdome, pummel ‘fins behind this week’s Master of Disaster Drew Brees (413 yards/4 TDs).
3 – Seattle ‘Hawks ‘Hawks fans so loud they caused Matt Schaub to throw horrible pick-six to Richard Sherman. Seahawks get off the mat for stunning 23-20 OT victory.
2 – Denver Broncos Big orange ponies higher than Cheech & Chong in Amsterdam after smoking Philly 52-20. Peyton Manning only has 4 TD passes, probably due to malfunctioning circuitry in his roboneck.
1 – Oakland Raiders The Silver & Black were bamboozled, mislead by Fox News that the government shutdown had begun and the Redskins would not make the trip to Oakland. Bob Griffin III passes for 227 yards and a TDs in a sneak attack 24-14 Washington “W.”

Program note – The October 6th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy features me and Marv reviewing coaching fashion. From Tom Landry’s fedora, Bum Phillips 10-gallon hat to Mike Ditka’s sweater vest we cover it all and probably come to the conclusion that the best sideline attire ever was Al Davis’ Raider jogging suit.


Patrick O. Elia