Citing a need to protect their oft-injured quarterback, and looking to stay competitive in the NFC North, the Chicago Bears today announced the signing of Napoleon Dyanmite’s Uncle Rico. The move is seen as an insurance plan in the event that anything should happen to Jay Cutler.
Bears GM Phil Emery explained what lead to the signing at a recent press conference.
“Our scouts showed us a VHS cassette tape of Uncle Rico throwing a football towards a video camera while he stood in a field next to his van,” said Emery. “We were so impressed with his footwork and agility, we knew we had the right player to back up and possibly compete with our starting quarterback.”
“Furthermore, Uncle Rico has a competitive fire within which will ignite this team. Here’s a man who wanted to travel back in time so that his team wouldn’t lose the 1982 State Title, a game he knew they lost because his coach chose not to play him.”
The other dynamic brought to the Bears offense with Uncle Rico potentially at the helm is the deep ball threat. Speedy receivers Brandon Marshall and Martellus Bennett couldn’t contain their excitement over the man who could “Throw this here football over them mountains.”
When asked for a specific date to expect Uncle Rico at practice, Bears coach Marc Trestman explained that once Uncle Rico helped out his two nephews, who were still reeling from their grandmother’s dune buggy injury, he would be there to show the team how he “used to be able to throw a pigskin over a quarter mile.”