Lost in the Cubs headlines of new renovations this season are the White Sox proposed additions to U.S. Cellular Field. The proposed plan, which will be voted on next week, is headlined by a measure to create 20,000 cardboard cutouts which will be placed in unoccupied seats during game days. Other included changes will be a grated underground walkway so you can spit and spill beer on Sox fans entering and leaving games and a graveled, luxury mobile home plot/motel.

The plan is expected to pass, since very few people actually care about the White Sox, and owner Jerry Reinsdorf can always funnel his own cash from the successful Bulls to the floundering Sox. Tom Tunney has already expressed concern for the mobile home and its impact on Cubs rooftop owners even though his constituents are eight miles north, and some angry Sox fans are getting ready to protest.

“This is just like back in 2006,” said rare Sox season ticket holder Jimmy Havelski. “These posers are just being replaced by posters! Me and the other 5 guys who have season tickets are going to have to find new peeing spots, the train track tunnels are going to be packed.”



Brew Dreesus