Word broke Monday that the Patriots were on the verge of signing Tim Tebow to be Rob Gronkowski’s around-the-clock chaperone.
“We have a lot of money invested in Rob and we need to do what we can to protect that investment,” said Patriots coach Bill Belichick. “If that means paying some Bible-beating dork to stay in Rob’s shadow 24-seven, that’s what we’re going to do.”
Tebow naturally thanked God for his chance to be in the NFL again.
“First off, I’d like to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for this opportunity to do his work keeping the NFL’s highest-profile sinner out of Satan’s path,” said Tebow. “And I’d also like to thank Coach Belichick for keeping me out of signing a contract with the Arena Football League, where I would have been the third-string QB/wedgebreaker on the Iowa Barnstormers.”
Gronkowski — who’s has high-profile romps with a porn star and once joked with a crowd of college students that he wanted to take Tebow’s virginity — was surprisingly upbeat about the situation.
“Are you kidding? Every girl in the world wants to hook up with Tebow and he refuses to touch them,” said Gronkowski. “He’s the ultimate wing man. It’s Tebow Time baby!”