With the free agent signings of Martellus Bennett and Jermon Bushrod, as well as the franchise tagging of Henry Melton, the remaining slices of the Bears 2013 salary cap pie are getting incredibly slim. This poses a problem when it comes to bringing back longtime face of the franchise Brian Urlacher. The team’s latest standout middle linebacker is seeking a deal somewhere in the neighborhood of two years at $5 million per year. With the impossibility of that fitting into the Bears current financial situation, general manager Phil Emery is looking at more unconventional ways to make an offer to Urlacher.

“Everyone here respects Brian and everything he’s done for this proud franchise,” said Emery. “There’s no way we can replace his leadership, so I’ve decided to do whatever it takes to bring him back. I’ve been putting off cleaning under my couch cushions for a while now, but I’m going to see what’s in there that we can offer to Brian. I mean, I’m really going to dig around in there, in the crevices and everything. I don’t think Urlacher will feel slighted at all during this process, especially after he sees what turns up.”

Emery then spent two hours giving his sofa the equivalent of a full cavity search. It ended up being a fruitful mission, as several items turned up. He found 74 cents in change, an old stick of Doublemint gum, a book of matches from a Chicago-area strip club, a USB drive with Emery family vacation photos, a movie ticket for Star Wars: Episode 1, a Jehova’s witness pamphlet, and half-chewed catnip toys from his cat. Emery then got on the phone with Urlacher’s agent to offer him the entire bounty.

“Uhhhh, we’ll get back to you…” Urlacher’s agent replied. “I’m on the other line with the Vikings right now. They’re willing to let Brian keep as many pieces of the Metrodome as he wants after it inevitably crumbles this year.”

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