The Chicago Cubs have chosen a new third baseman for 2013, as evidenced by the white smoke billowing across the sky above Wrigley Field. While there’s no word yet on who the lucky ballplayer will be, Cubs President Theo Epstein was willing to provide some details.

“He will not hit 15 or more homers, we can guarantee you that right now,” said Epstein. “Nor will he lead us to the playoffs. Look, the point is someone will man the hot corner just like someone has every year since this team was founded. Are you happy now, Chicago?”