Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Washington Redskins RGIII leads ‘Skins to 27-20 Philly flattening of Eagles. Playing with a knee held together by dirt, a band-aid and some super glue, the Wonder from Waco passes for 198 yards and 2 TDs to set up division championship showdown next week vs. Cowboys.
9 – Minnesota Vikings Nordic Norsemen pop open the tomato can Texans 23-6 despite a pedestrian day from Adrian Peterson (just 86 yards on 25 carries). Christian Ponder doesn’t seem to be as miserable a QB since marrying that ESPN sideline reporter, I would suggest maybe some other rotten QBs try they same thing (E. Manning, Tebow, Stafford, all those guys in Arizona…)
8 – San Francisco 49ers The red and gold absorb a furious series of haymakers from ‘Hawks, get all Slayed in Seattle by 29. Frank gets gored by Seattle “D,” held to 28 rush yards while Colin Quarterback-nick throws late TD to avoid complete humiliation.
7 – Houston Texans These boys are looking more and more like paper chumpions, losing 23-6 to Vikings while mustering only 187 total yards (just 178 passing from Matt Schaub). Like Dolf Lundgren’s career, they might have peaked too early.
6 – Denver Broncos Doped-up Denver spanks the pot Brownies from Cleveland 34-12 as The Good Manning throws for 339 yards and 3 TDs. I’m told since weed was legalized in Colorado the sales of Dorito tacos in the state has topped 4 billion and saved the country from the fiscal cliff.
5 – New England Patriots In a game the NFL tried to have blacked out nationally, the Pats edge the Jags 23-16 as Tom Brady returns to form after tossing two picks in the first quarter. Parents of Jacksonville players heard to mutter during game they wished their boys would have played soccer.
4 – Atlanta Falcons Dirty Birds continue to play well in domed stadiums while not really impressing Carl Weathers, beating Lions 31-18 behind 4 TD strikes from Matt Ryan. Lions do get 225 receiving yards from this week’s Master of Disaster Calvin Megatron-Johnson.
3 – Green Bay Packers Green & Gold Cheesy curd turds get snow off field just in time to crush a Forget the Titans team from Tennessee 55-7. Aaron Rodgers throws for 342 yards and 3 TDs while defense collects 7 sacks.
2 – Seattle Seahawks Angry birds open up a serious can of whoop-ass on San Fran, 42-13. Mini-QB RW1 tosses 4 TD passes but still has to sit at kid’s table for team’s Christmas dinner.
1 – Oakland Raiders The Silver and Black Attack accidentally use the wrong USC QB vs. Panthers (Leinart over Palmer), fall again 17-6. Luckily still on path to playoffs after clinching double-secret extra wild card bonus round.
Program note – The December 30th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature us trying to tell the difference between ESPN’s Merrill Hoge and Jaws arguing who will win next week (Dallas or Washington) and two eight-year-old girls arguing who’s the cutest member of One Direction (Marv says Liam Payne. Oh Marv, you crazy!).