Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Baltimore Ravens WP – RGIII (7-6). LP – Flacco (9-4). SV – Cousins (1). Ravens belted in Battle of the Beltway 31-28 despite RGIII being crushed and knocked out late in 4th. Back-up QB Kirk Cousins engineers comeback (11 TD pass/RGIII-style run for a tying 2-point conversion leading to OT game-winning FG). RGIII accounts for 280 yards/1 TD pass.
9 – New York Giants Big Blue sets game records for return yards, QB hits, points and even puckered-up sideline Manning faces (Eli had 15, breaking Peyton’s mark of 14 set in playoff loss to Chargers in 2008). David Wilson rushes for 100 yards/2 TD and returns a kick 97 yards for a score.
8 – Denver Broncos Peyton’s pokes win game in Oakland 26-13 in game marred by surprise return of replacement refs stoned on weed supplied by Broncos players. Raiders called for 34 penalties, such as illegal forward punt, personal sweating and roughing the cheerleaders while Denver flagged 0 times. Manning passes for 310 and a score.
7 – Chicago Bears Bears get steamrolled by Adrian Peterson (154 rush yards/2 scores) in 21-14 Vike-tory for Minny. Peterson will be cast in Avengers 2 to fight alongside Thor, Hulk & Iron Man. The Brandon Marshall receiving factory continues to operate at peak efficiency (160 yards/TD).
6 – Houston Texans Ref stops the fight in 3Q with Texans spitting out their mouthpieces, down 28-0 to New England. League downgrades Houston from heavyweight to welterweight. Arian Foster scores a meaningless TD.
5 – Atlanta Falcons The ATL drops to 11-2 following a Cam Newton back to 2011 party (287 passing yards, 116 rushing and 3 total TDs). Matt Ryan throws for 342 yards/2 TDs in 30-20 loss to Panthers.
4 – Green Bay Packers Pack nip Lions 27-20. Good to see Detroit back to its roots as the NFL’s homecoming opponent (all due respect to the Arizona Cardinals, the Lions have been doing this since the ‘50’s). Aaron Rodgers fails to throw a TD pass but does run one in.
3 – New England Patriots Bill Belichick happy for Pats 42-14 demo of Texans, happier Disney gave him role of Emperor, Jr. in upcoming Star Wars movies (I will be playing big, angry Stormtrooper #12). “TD Tommy” Brady throws 4 scoring passes, smells purty.
2 – San Francisco 49ers ‘Niners grind out boring as white rice 27-13 win over ‘Fins. Frank Gore scores 50th career TD (only 223 short of Jerry Rice’s team record). Both teams looked like they’d rather be watching the hit film “Action Jackson”. But who wouldn’t?
1 – Oakland Raiders Commitment to Excellence. These words once meant something, striking fear into the hearts of Raider opponents. What’s happening now is unacceptable, so myself, Howie Long, Bo Jackson, poltergeist Al Davis and video game designer John Madden are meeting on how to turn this around. Stay tuned, chumps!

Program note – The December 16th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will be live at Soldier Field for the big Bears/Packers match-up. Me and Marv will be tag-team arm wrestling any Cheeseheads who want to get up in our grill. Marv will also bring his calipers to measure the body fat % of all those waddling Packer fans. Our Pam Oliver will sit down with Dick Butkus, Mike Singletary and Brian Urlacher and find out which bone on a Packer player is most fun to break.

Patrick O. Elia