After a horrifically ugly performance against the San Francisco 49ers on Monday Night Football, the Chicago Bears announced plans to start two blocking sleds as their offensive tackles against the Minnesota Vikings this weekend. The left tackle spot that was “occupied” by starter-on-an-NFL-team-for-some-reason J’Marcus Webb will be taken by the Red Blocking Sled. Gabe Carimi, who spent much of Monday’s game flailing wildly on the ground, will now be replaced at right tackle by the Blue Blocking Sled.

“What happened to our offensive line in San Francisco was completely unacceptable,” exhausted head coach Lovie Smith said, after apparently staying up all night re-living the nightmare that was the Bears 32-7 loss. “It was so bad, I almost raised my voice at one point. We feel going forward that the Red and Blue blocking sleds give us the best chance to win. The red one is wide and heavy like J’Marcus, but has much less body fat to get pushed around like a sack of Jell-o. The blue sled is good for run blocking, as it can get lower to the ground than Gabe and falls over less easily.”

When asked if the Bears might be better off bringing Orlando Pace out of retirement, Lovie curtly replied, “Red Blocking sled is our left tackle.”

Photoshop by Joel Nielsen

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