Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Baltimore Ravens T-Sizzle & Co. sack sad sack Byron Leftwich three  times (George Foreman moves faster than that dude these days) while Jacoby Jones returns a punt 63 yards for a score in Ravens’ ugly 13-10 win over Pitt.
9 – New York Giants (Bye) My sources tell me Eli Manning spent the off-week working on passing accuracy but was intercepted 12 times by the practice tire he had swinging from a tree. C’mon, man!
8 – Denver Broncos Once again the Mighty Manning Men overcome a seemingly insurmountable Charger lead (this week: 7-0) behind the league’s top-ranked passer, Peyton, even though his wobbly forward pass ducks have hunters across the country salivating.
7 – New England Patriots Pats make their own Luck in the northeast, pick 6-ing Andrew twice and scoring a franchise-record tying 59 points in route of Colts. Supermodel Tom Giselle throws for 3 TDs while Julian Edelman returns a punt for a score.
6 – Atlanta Falcons Dirty Birds nip Arizona 23-19 behind 5 TD passes from Matt Ryan. What? That’s 5 interceptions? I guess that math makes sense now that I think about it, but I can’t wrap my fists around the thought of a team winning while throwing 5 INTs (except maybe the Cowboys).
5 – Chicago Bears Bears O-line charged with negligent homicide after allowing my boy J. Campbell more hits than Pete Rose. Back in ’74 the Chiefs tried to block me with a similar O-line (they double-teamed me with a punter and water boy, I had 18 sacks and got every K.C. cheerleader’s digits). Mmmmm, good night in K.C.!
4 – Green Bay Packers I wouldn’t be writing for this publication if I liked the Packers. Nobody likes the Packers so let’s just enjoy watching Mason Crosby shank field goals and their fans getting fatter and fatter and fatter…
3 – Houston Texans Damn, this one reminded me of the old AFL days, Texans pull out 43-37 OT knockout of a plucky little Jags team behind this week’s Co-Master of Disaster Andre Johnson (14 catches/273 receiving yards/TD).
2 – San Francisco 49ers ‘Niners crush Chicago 32-7 behind Co-Master of Disaster Aldon Smith’s 5.5 sacks and solid first career start by QB Colin Kaepernick (243 yards/2 TDs). I’m not sure if the Bears have offensive linemen or piñatas.
1 – Oakland Raiders The Silver and Black Attack have the misfortune of playing the Saints who right now have all the momentum of a hurricane, missile and a juiced-up Ivan Drago. Drew Brees leads the good ship bounty with 3 TD passes.

Program note – The Thanksgiving Day edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature a special guest, my old coach John Madden. He will share with us how he learned to write the code for his hit video game, how he successfully genetically engineered the delicious turducken and why Kenny “The Snake” Stabler and Ted Hendricks were always better in the second half (hint: we didn’t drink Gatorade back in those days, more like a 6-pack of Bud).

Patrick O. Elia