Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Houston Texans (Bye) Texans hold on to #10 despite bye week. There’s something fishy about this team I can’t quite put my fist on but with a 6-1 record I can’t remove them completely.
9 – Cleveland Browns I just love 7-6 games so, with that win over Phyllis Rivers and Co. Brownies crack the rankings behind 122 yards and a TD from Trent Richardson. I don’t like Rivers. I know Dan Fouts. You, sir, are no Dan Fouts. Chump.
8 – Mannings West Peyton shreds a Saint secondary that looks like a bunch of frat boys after a night of drinking on Bourbon Street (305 yards, 3 TDs).
7 – Atlanta Falcons Dirty Birds remain unbeaten after boxing Mike Vick’s ears in 30-17 TKO in Philly. Matt Ryan leads the way with 3 TD passes.
6 – New York Giants Big Blue lassos Cowgirls 29-24 as Tony Romo provides Giant defenders more treats than any Halloween party I’ve ever been to. Jason Pierre-Paul returns one Romo INT for a score while Dez Bryant sails out of the end zone with potential winning Dallas score.
5 – England’s Patriots New England travels to London for a futbol match on the pitch vs. merry old St. Louis, whip Rams 45-7. This week’s Master of Disaster Rob Gronkowski grabs 8 passes for 146 yards and 2 TDs, offends all them crumpet munchers with his TD dances and scores a date with the Queen. Go boy!!!!!
4 – Green Bay Packers Cheeseheads bounce Jags 24-15 in a game so boring all video of it was destroyed after it ended. Let us never speak of it again.
3 – Chicago Bears Bears win the cry baby QB bowl 23-22 over Carolina behind a ghoulish Gould last-tick kick. Tim Jennings picks Newton’s Law twice, returns one for a score.
2 – San Francisco 49ers Second best team in the Bay Area beats down Arizona Cactus (I ain’t calling them Cardinals any more. There are no Cardinals in the desert) 24-3 behind two TD catches from Michael Crabtree.
1 – Oakland Raiders The Silver and Black Attack tighten their vice grip on the AFC West with a 26-16 plundering and pummeling of the Chiefs, reminds me of the old times. Darren McFadden cruises for 114 yards on the ground, Carson Palmer passes for 2 scores.

Program note – The November 4th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will be the setting for the fourth and final Presidential debate, moderated by my boy Kenny “The Snake” Stabler. Best be on your toes, Barry & Mitt, Kenny got no patience and can cuss the paint off a battleship. We also discuss how NFL pregame shows on other networks should be held to the rule that, if you add a co-host you must drop a current host. For those of you brainiacs whom this is unclear for, FOX would have had to dump a chump (Terry, Howie, Jimmy) when they added Strahan. Can I be more clear? The sets on these shows are starting to look like the Last Supper.

Patrick O. Elia