Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan won the Chicago Marathon on Sunday with a world record time of only 15 minutes and 37 seconds.

“My record marathon time today just goes to show that when Americans are free from the burdens of regulation and big government they can accomplish great things,” said a barely sweating Ryan after completing the race at an unbelievable pace of 35 seconds per mile. “Imagine how great our nation will be again because when Mitt Romney and I are in charge instead of Barack Hussein Obama and his presidency of tyranny.”

Ryan said that he next plans to scale Mt. Everest in 20 minutes, win a UFC heavyweight crown and defeat Joe Biden in the VP debate while performing with a Cirque du Soleil troupe.