Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Houston Texans Texans trounce Titans 38-14 behind Matt Schaub’s efficient performance wearing an artificial ear and a rootin’ tootin’ “D” forcing 3 turnovers.
9 – Philadelphia Eagles Mike Vick passes Giant test vs. Little Manning (290 total yards/pass TD) as Eagles secure their biggest 2012 margin of victory with a 19-17 win.
8 – Phoenix/St. Louis/Arizona Cardinals The Cards spot Miami an early 13-point lead, Kevin Kolb (324 yards, 3 TDs) kills Dolphins in OT 24-21 (and enjoys a postgame tuna fish sandwich sans protest by PETA).
7 – Atlanta Falcons The ATL notches late TKO over Cam’s Cats 30-28 behind this week’s Master of Disaster Roddy White (169 receiving yards and 2 TDs).
6 – Chicago Bears Jerry Jones sent his eyeglass cleaner boy home early as Bears maul ‘Boys 34-18. Dallas’ Tony Romo becomes first QB to complete a pass to every starter on his team and every defensive starter on the opposing team.
5 – Minnesota Vikings Nordic Norsemen of the North return both a kick-off (105 yards) and punt (77 yards) vs. Dee-troit in 20-13 stunner. Never naysay on the nimble niftiness of Adrian Peterson’s power (102 yards).
4 – Baltimore Ravens Angry birds win 10th straight vs. Browns behind 356 pass yards from Joe Flacco. I hear the NFL has decided to count INTs returned for TDs thrown by Brandon Weeden as TD passes for the Cleveland Chucker, just to make him feel all warm inside.
3 – D.C. RGIIIs The Dreadlocked Destroyer, Mr. III, passes for 323 and runs for 43 and a score while setting up last-second game-winning FG (which he kicked himself I believe) in 24-22 comeback over the Bucs.
2 – San Francisco 49ers Second best team in the Bay Area bury Sanch-bow deeper than Jimmy Hoffa in 34-0 cross-country smack-down. San Fran “D” holds NY to 9 first downs and 145 total yards.
1 – Oakland Raiders Raiders maintain #1 spot based on strength of schedule and best uniforms. Besides, loss to Denver was due to Peyton Manning (338 yards, 3 TDs) filming a Cialis commercial right in middle of the game. My boys were very distracted seeing him and his wife naked sitting in matching bathtubs during the third quarter. Can’t blame ‘em.
Program note – The September 31st edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will be broadcast from my hot tub with guest prognosticator Timmy “The Meek” Snyder (he’s not so good, like his uncle). FOX analyst Terry Bradshaw will also visit the tub to laugh at inappropriate times. Also, I am re-opening the Carl Weathers School of Acting (still only charging $1,100). Classes begin November 12th so register now, chumps!!!