Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
Note: With the CBA agreement having expired at midnight Sunday between The Heckler and Carl Weathers, Mr. Weathers has been locked out. But fear not, we have a replacement Carl, Nate “Toots” Mason, the night watchman at the Century City mall in Lakeview. We regret any noticeable drop in the quality of this feature.
10 – Houston Texans Texans whoop up on another AFC South foe, the Jags, 27-7 behind two TDs from Ben Tate. I would not have watched this game on a security monitor at work even if you gave me a 10-gallon hat.
9 – Dee-troit Lions Jason Hanson almost kicks the Lions to win out west vs. Niners but Megatron can’t solve San Francisco’s secondary. I once busted a kid shoplifting a Megatron Transformer back in ‘98. He’s still in prison.
8 – Phoenix/St. Louis/Arizona Cardinals The rugged NFC West has a new contender, and this rag-tag band of merry birds out-muscle Pats behind five receiving yards by Larry Fitzgerald. Yes, I’m bitter, I have Larry on my fantasy team.
7 – Atlanta Falcons I think the Falcons intercepted that guy from Buick 56 times in a nice 27-21 over Denver. I used to work at a gas station in Atlanta once, got fired from drinking diesel out of a coffee cup.
6 – Green Bay Packers Packers sack and pack rival Bears but should not be too proud of themselves, all that flexing and leaping made them look like a bunch of male gymnasts with questionable sexual orientation. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
5 – Philadelphia Eagles I liked the Eagles, up until they added Joe Walsh to the band. Michael Vick doesn’t know how to take it easy, caps second straight last minute win, 24-23 over Ravens.
4 – San Diego Chargers Phyllis Rivers leads Chargers to a blitzing of Titans with three TD passes and generally acted like a man and not a Cutler.
3 – D.C. RGIIIs Here we go! Bob Griffin X3 2.0 dances, ducks and dives for two rushing and one passing TD vs. St. Louis/L.A. Rams (I have inside information from a janitor at the NFL home office).
2 – San Francisco 49ers Second best team in the Bay Area (according to what Mr. Weathers wrote) beats Lions behind two Vernon Davis TDs. No coaches brawled but there was a cheerleader tickle fight.
1 – Oakland Raiders Mr. Weathers said that, no matter what, the Raiders were #1, chump, so, with their 13-35 “win” over Miami they are #1. I will award the Master of Disaster award to Reggie Bush-Kardashian for his 172 rush yards/two TDs.
Program note – The September 24th untelevised NFL pregame show starring Mr. Weathers and Marv Levy will feature the fellas yapping about important football topics, checking the weather around the country at sites of NFL games, a touching feature on a current NFL player, a marginal comedian picking games (straight up, no spread), some crap about injuries and fantasy football tips and maybe some side boob of a cheerleader. I hope.