Brett Jackson has been one of the most highly touted prospects the Cubs have had tucked away in the minors for the past few seasons. Although he’s had proven veterans blocking his way, his inability to make it to the big league is mostly attributed to his habit of striking out every other time he steps to the plate. Unfortunately for Jackson, instances like earlier this week, when he struck out a record four times in one at-bat, are not helping his cause.

“I didn’t even think it was possible,” said Epstein of Jackson’s performance. “I’d be laughing my ass off if he wasn’t on our team. What’s he going to do next? Trip over his shoelaces while running out a fly ball?”

With these Cubs, anything is possible. Since the trade deadline, the Cubs have put on an embarrassing display of baseball. Although at the bottom of the league in nearly every statistical category, the Cubs excel in embarrassing lapses of execution and judgment.

Starlin Castro, known for his new $60 million contract and habit of daydreaming in the middle of games, recently failed to cover second base on a steal because he was staring at a cloud that reminded him of a woman’s breast. Josh Vitters, another forgotten prospect, actually has a batting average in the negatives. Statisticians are perplexed at the possibility of such a stat, but as they always say, numbers don’t lie.

Oddly enough, the most consistent player on the team has been veteran outfielder Alfonso Soriano, who has taken a liking to playing alongside players who look dumber in the field than him.

“You want to know why I turned down a trade to the Giants?” asked Soriano. “Because here everyone else looks like a jackass instead of me. A World Series isn’t worth that kind of comfort!”

Michael Kloempken