If you’re watching your favorite NFL team this fall but don’t recognize their attire, feel free to blame the league’s new official apparel partner, Nike. The sneaker giant unveiled their designs for all 32 NFL teams Tuesday and the results were shocking: the familiar 3-inch logo that had adorned uniforms previously under outgoing partner Reebok was gone, replaced by the ubiquitous Nike swoosh.

Many in attendance at Steiner Studios in New York for the fashion show fainted during the presentation.

“I mean, what, what is that?” gasped a Bears fan. “Aside from the blue jersey, white pants and helmet with the ‘C’ logo on it, I barely recognize what Brian Urlacher is wearing up there. I need a martini.”

Fearsome Lions’ defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, modeling Detroit’s new duds, left the stage crying as he was unable to recognize himself in what he called “a soccer costume.”

The revolutionary changes signal, to some, the coming of an NFL apocalypse. Pundits fear NFL players will now be mistaken for arena league players or even players from the University of Oregon. They are also frightened that this deal with Nike will lead to the downfall of a league previously impervious to any peril or adversity such as player concussions, performance enhancers and Ron Jaworski in the booth for Monday Night Football.

Phil Knight, Nike chairman and co-founder, could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly golfing and lighting $100 bills on fire with Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant.

Patrick O. Elia