The grip of performance enhancing drugs has apparently reached another sport as top-ranked bowler Billy Tatum was suspended indefinitely by the Professional Bowlers Association after testing positive for anabolic steroids.
“It’s with extreme regret that I announce the indefinite suspension of Billy Tatum for violating our extremely liberal substance abuse policy,” said PBA President Chris Peters. “We tolerate copious amounts of alcohol, tobacco and recreational drugs, but no one is allowed to damage the integrity of professional bowling by using steroids.”
Bowling insiders had long questioned Tatum’s performance as perhaps being artificially enhanced after the bowler put on 20 pounds of muscle and added 10 MPH to his ball speed in the last year alone. The final straw came in a Reno, Nev., tournament last month when Tatum rolled a strike with such power that several pins were cracked in half. At the time, Tatum laughed off the incident.
“What can I say?” asked Tatum. “I’ve been taking my Flintstone Vitamins.”
PBA officials are still weighing how they’ll punish Tatum, but so far their hope is to get him back to the physical standards of normal bowler as soon as possible.
“We’ve got to get Tatum off this steroid junk and back on the sort of thing that makes a man a professional bowler,” said Peters. “That means a lot of booze, cigarettes and Tombstone Pizzas. If we can turn him back into the sort of doughy bags of flesh we embrace here in the Professional Bowlers Association.”