Former Celtics star Larry Bird was voted onto his 34th consecutive Eastern Conference All-Star team earlier this week, barely edging out LeBron James as the starting forward for the team—showing that the legend’s stranglehold on the position may be compromised sometime within the next half century.

A less than elated Bird commented on the selection.

“I haven’t played basketball since 1992. What the hell is wrong with these people?”

The phenomenon can only be explained by the fact that throngs of religiously faithful Larry Bird fans cling to Bird’s legend—annually praying for his return to the league.

“When Larry comes back, watch out now!” said Paul Bertowski of Salem, Mass. “He’s just got to get over this back issue, and he’ll be doing Converse shoe commercials with Magic Johnson again!”

“My back is fused together,” stated Bird when asked to comment. “Why doesn’t somebody just ask Magic if he’d like to play instead? That attention whore will do anything to get back on the court.”

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