With both sides of town mired in baseball rebuilding modes, the Cubs and White Sox today announced plans to merge their franchises into one “super-mediocre” team they hope will compete for third in either league’s Central Division this year.
“I was trying to put the finishing touches on our half-assed 2012 lineup last night and it came to me,” said Sox GM Kenny Williams and Cubs President Theo Epstein in unison. “I should join forces with that poor sap on the other side of town. He’s got it just as bad as me, maybe even worse.”
Williams and Epstein said they’re confident the patchwork squad leftover when their teams are combined should have a “fighting chance” to compete for third place in either the American League or National League Central divisions.
“I mean, those divisions are really pretty much the same,” said Epstein. “Right now we’re leaning toward the NL Central since the Astros will be there one more season which should give us a chance for a few extra wins this year.”
The execs have yet to determine which of their overpriced, under-performing vets and underwhelming youngsters will make the new team’s roster, but didn’t seem too concerned about it.
“In left we’re looking at either Adam Dunn or Alfonso Soriano, so there’s really no difference there,” said Williams. “Ditto for center where it will be either Alex Rios on Marlon Byrd. It’s pretty much a crapshoot everywhere you look.”
The newly formed team will play 40 of its 81 home games at Wrigley Field. Another 40 will be played at US Cellular Field because Williams insisted fans deserve to do their binge-drinking and over-eating in an environment that “doesn’t reek of urine no matter how supposedly beautiful the weeds on its outfield wall might be.”
The leftover home game will be forfeited.
“We couldn’t decide which team should get the 81st home game, so we decided to just call it off,” said Epstein. “And let’s be honest. We probably would have lost it anyway.”