Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Dee-troit Lions Matthew Stafford becomes first QB to take snaps for an NFL team and Lingerie Football League team in the same season. His hair is pretty.
9 – Denver Tebows Tebow plays game wearing 1920’s leather helmet and a bible under his jersey, leads Broncos to 35-32 win vs. Minnesota, apologizes profusely to God for beating a team with a quarterback named Christian (Ponder).
8 – Dallas Cowboys ‘Boys suffer OT loss to the St. Louis/Phoenix/Arizona/Maricopa County Cardinals but, again, Jerry’s checks keep cashin’ so I keep them in Top 10 over Saints. Jerry doesn’t like the Saints.
7 – Cam-olina Panthers Panthers are Cam-inated in route of Tampa. Newton earns this week’s Master of Disaster award with 260 yards/1 pass TD/3 rush TD/1 reception/8 pancake blocks.
6 – Houston Texans Texans consider signing McNabb and T.O., just to get those boys back together, boost “O.” But then they sober up, watch T.J. Yates carve up Falcons.
5 – Pittsburgh Steelers Steelers thump Bengals 35-7 despite Big Ben accidentally dosing himself with date rape drug he was saving for a cheerleader, playing second and third quarters paralyzed.
4 – New England Patriots I’m not sayin’ Tom Brady is racist but are there any other fantasy football owners out there like myself that own Aaron Hernandez wondering why he seems to only pay attention to the other tight end who poses for pictures with porn stars?
3 – San Francisco 49ers ‘Niners KO Rams 26-0, clinch NFC West, first round bye, Bowl berth behind the surprisingly still effective Alex Smith.
2 – Green Bay Packers 12-0 after 38-35 defeat of Giants. Clay Matthews and A.J. Hawk start Black Sabbath cover band and both admit they don’t think Mark Chmura did anything wrong in that hot tub back in 2000.
1 – Oakland Raiders Just win baby! Raiders awarded win over Miami after NFL confirmed Dolphins running back Reggie Bush was ineligible for receiving improper benefits from NBC’s Peter King.

Program note – The December 11th untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature us rebuilding the set using Howie long’s square-ass head as a level. Our in-studio guests will be the Packers offensive line. We’re going to stomp on them to see if it’s really as fun as Ndamukong Suh made it look.

Patrick O. Elia