When the Ozzie Guillen chapter closed, Sox GM Kenny Williams made being able to communicate with Latin America a high priority, which is why he hired Marco Paddy as his special assistant of international operations and chief hostage negotiator Wednesday.

“This kidnapping thing is for real,” said Williams. “I begged our players not to go on vacation anywhere south of Hammond until we hired somebody who could speak Spanish.”

As a native of Panama, Paddy brings a wide variety of Latin dialects to the White Sox front office. It’s not quite Venezuela but under the dictatorship of Manuel Noriega, the country earned some serious street cred. With players getting snatched up south of the border like candy falling out of a pinata, teams cannot be too cautious.

In an attempt to save money, Williams bought a Spanish version of Rosetta Stone but just could not grasp the foreign conjugations fast enough. Luckily, Marco Paddy answered the call.

“I now have full confidence that if our guys head to Club Med and get snatched off their stand-up paddleboards we will be able to negotiate their release in time for spring training,” said Williams. “No hay problema!”