Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Chicago Bears Jay Cutler defeated the Eagles using a ball that later failed a concussion test. Bears OL prepares for Ndamukong Suh by purchasing Suh Voo-Doo dolls, stabbing them repeatedly and violently.
9 – Roger Goodell Iron-jawed commish held Ndamukong Suh sack-lunchless in their little meeting in NY.
8 – Atlanta Falcons Julio Jones (2 TDs, 131 yards) is the Master of Disaster player of the week, but I still don’t know who the hell Atlanta’s coach is. Jerry Glanville? Dan Henning? Help me out here.
7 – Cam-olina Panthers During bye week, Cam Newton went back to Auburn, earned his degree, defeated 1,000 angry Persians, married and divorced 5 Kardashians, averaged 8.9 yards a carry vs. a team of tanks and rewrote entire Carolina playbook.
6 – Baltimore Ravens Sometimes even I have bad dreams where Ray Lewis & Terrell Suggs are in my kitchen drinking all my beer.
5 – New York Giants It’s starting to look like Eli Manning might have gone over to Europe like his bro and got some stem cell brass balls or something. He’s Carl Clutch lately and that scares me.
4 – San Francisco 49ers Harbaugh has ‘Niners winning by going back to the basics: running the ball, stiff as whiskey defense and flying commercial (team took Southwest to Washington).
3 – Deee-troit Lions Lions RB Jahvid Best got his first career concussion while watching Rocky II (his face was too close to my fists on the TV screen). Calvin Johnson still scored five TDs despite bye week.
2 – Green Bay Packers Somehow Aaron Rogers leads GB in passing, rushing, punting, place kicking, SAT scores, bench press and grace. In 1973, I returned 5 interceptions for touchdowns vs. San Diego, so let’s not get all too cocky Cheesey-puffs.
1 – Oakland Raiders Raiders rally past Tebow & Broncos in double-secret overtime after Denver left town. Darren McFadden limped in for winning score. No complaining Denver, it’s a little known rule Al Davis added to the NFL rulebook after drugging Pete Rozelle back at the 1984 owner’s meetings.

Program note – The November 13 untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will, for shits and giggles, feature a giant set, twelve ex-QBs, one old coach, a stand-up comedian picking games vs. a Honey Badger, special effects by the creators of South Park and smoke coming out of Marv’s ears whenever one of the QBs says something stupid. Here we go!

Patrick O. Elia