The Cubs announced today that Mike Quade will not return to manage the team next season, a move that surprised only himself and was viewed almost as a sure thing by the rest of the world.

“Golly, I thought ‘Eppy’ [President Theo Epstein] was really impressed by our interview,” said Quade. “Like when he asked me what I would do with two outs in the ninth and a one-run lead with Albert Pujols up. I said ‘Well, damn, I’d throw the guy a few hanging curves and see what happened.’ He just laughed and I assumed that was because he thought it was a great answer. Guess not.”

Quade has a year left on his two-year deal, which reportedly pays him $1 million a season, meaning he’ll be paid a lot of money to do nothing in 2012. He sees this as only a minor adjustment to his plans.

“To be honest, I had little expectations for our team next year anyway,” said Quade. “So I was just planning to sit around the dugout and do a whole lot of nothing. So now, I’ll just replace the dugout for my couch and watch the checks come in.”