Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Chicago Bears Bears spent bye week installing the Carl Weathers-endorsed 3-4-4 defense (3 down linemen, 4 linebackers, 4 corners, 0 damn safeties). Brian Urlacher earns this week’s Master of Disaster award for just growling and looking mean.
9 – Cincinnati Bengals Beat Seattle despite 15 players mistakenly captured by Columbus Zoo authorities who thought they were big escaped exotic wild animals.
8 – New York Giants This “win” over “Miami” was about as exciting as a George Foreman comeback fight.
7 – Cam-olina Panthers Vikings escape eternal Cam-nation despite Newton’s 3 TD passes (giving him the rookie TD pass record previously held by L.A Raider Todd Marinovich. If you don’t believe me, you die!)
6 – Pittsburgh Steelers Big Ben played like Tom Brady. Tom Brady played like Greg Brady. Wes Welker played like Lawrence Welk. Here we go!
5 – Buffalo Bills Their game vs. ‘Skins in Toronto begs the age-old mythical question: If Fred “Action” Jackson goes for 200 total yards in the woods in Canada does anyone in America hear it?
4 – San Francisco 49ers I hear ex-Niner Ronnie Lott had a nacho accident at home watching SF’s win over Cleveland, losing the tip of his ring finger…yet he didn’t miss a second of action.
3 – Deee-troit Lions Calvin Johnson became first player ever to catch a TD pass that bounced off the sun while Suh & Co. knocked the sandals off Jesus Tebow.
2 – Green Bay Packers Packers fun fact: Aaron Rodgers and Co. have scored more points this season than the Rams, Dolphins, SEC East and Big Ten Legends divisions combined.
1 – Oakland Raiders 1st place Raiders spent bye week training Lyle Alzado-style. Richard Seymour flagged for four roughing the passer penalties at 7-11. I like it!!!

Program note – The untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy welcomes Andrew Luck to the studio this week, where we’ll ask him such questions as:
Are you a Neanderthal?
Seriously, that “beard,” why?
Do you find the act of an official throwing a flag strangely erotic?

Patrick O. Elia