In a surprising development on Wednesday night, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced that he could not enter the bathroom in his Tribeca brownstone because his wife, along with a few locked-out NBA players, locked his bathroom door and threw away the key. The prank was supposedly the brainchild of NBAPA head and current Laker point guard Derek Fisher, Celtics forward Kevin Garnett, Heat guard Dwyane Wade and also involved in the scheme was Stern’s wife, Dianne. Of course this incident comes on the heels of the long-going NBA lockout which is threatening to cancel the season if a deal isn’t reached.
“I am deeply saddened that my wife Dianne would betray me like this,” said Stern in a somber mood at the NBA league offices in New York. “Since we have been married, I have never done anything to prevent you from getting the bathroom time you need, and you do this to me? I am appalled at your actions, the actions of some of my players, along with the actions of our bathroom attendant, Boris. Boris, I expected better than you and we don’t pay you $4 million a year to stay idly by while I am missing valuable ‘me’ time that I like to spend in the bathroom.”
When asked why she conspired to pull the prank on her husband, Dianne Stern shrugged.
“The only reason I told Boris to lock Dave out was to teach him a lesson about taking too much time getting ready for those stupid mediation hearings. He takes two hours to shower, brush his teeth, apply his Rogaine, and put on a suit,” said Mrs. Stern. “And then he’s gone for 20 hours, comes back home, and does it again. I never even see him anymore. He’s either in the bathroom, at the mediation sessions, or watching NHL games. I want my old David, and my bathroom time, back.”
When the players involved were asked about the incident, they simply said: “Dianne played the part of scapegoat perfectly. Couldn’t of asked for more.”