Jay Cutler has decided to make the most of the Bears’ recent trip to London, where they will play the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday. Vowing to reclaim the same quarterback prowess he once had as a Denver Bronco, Cutler is channeling famed International Man of Mystery, Austin Powers, in order to regain his “Mojo”—similar to the way the Mike Meyers character did in 1999’s “The Spy Who Shagged Me.”
“Groovy baby! Groovy!” Cutler said in what can only be deemed the most atrocious British accent since Madonna’s failed attempts during her marriage to Guy Ritchie. “Now all I need is an arch nemesis with an accompanying ‘little person’ who looks just like him.”
Cutler said he’s got a few candidates for his “mini-me.”
“I’m leaning pretty hard toward Josh Freeman and Earnest Graham. He’s just so cute and so undeniably EEEEVIL,” said Cutler. “Besides, even though Urlacher makes a perfect Dr. Evil, we can’t find another smaller human being who looks as incredibly frightening as him.”
In an effort to become more Austin Powers-like, Cutler has completely stopped “manscaping” and brushing his teeth. He’s also purchased a pair of fem-bots for practice and been seen scampering through the streets of London with Ginger Spice, whom he’s recently given the moniker Felicity Shagwell.
“Me chest itches a bit, but if this don’t get me Mojo back, mate, I dunno what will,” said Cutler, who apparently switched his accent from horrible British to even worse Australian.
Bears coach Lovie Smith has gone along with the scheme—allowing Cutler to refer to him as Basil Exposition.
“Jay is our quarterback and I’ll do whatever we can to recapture his Mojo,” said Smith. “And as long as he doesn’t call me Fat Bastard, which is what I heard he’s calling Mike Martz, I’m good with it.”