Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing only 8 NFL games, Weathers was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – San Diego Chargers Chargers had bye week but were somehow still unimpressive in Carl Weathers’ opinion (the only opinion that counts).

9 – Baltimore Ravens Ray Lewis Weathers-ified the Texans, minus Andre “The Giant” Johnson and didn’t even need a spit bucket to do so. Here we go!

8 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers Bucs remind me of old George Foreman: bald head, little balance but they got smack-down power.

7 – Cam-olina Panthers Mega-Cam-Tron Newton still attacking by land, sea and air (became the first player since myself to score a swimming touchdown in the NFL).

6 – New England Patriots Giselle and I watched this game from the Carl Weathers man cave. That’s all I have to say. What Tom Brady don’t know don’t hurt him. NE played some bad D, only one pick of Tony Clown-o?

5 – Buffalo Bills Bills drop one spot by losing to the bad Manning. Buffalo earned some Carl Weathers extra credit points as Mr. Harvard Fitzpatrick completed his master’s thesis on economics during the 2-minute warning.

4 – San Francisco 49ers Definitely have the “Eye of the Tiger” with a (Frank) Gore-ing of the Lions. No more coach fights, though. Carl Weathers prefers maybe some cheerleader catfights and that’s it.

3 – Deee-troit Lions Despite first loss, Lions coach Jim Schwartz earns the “Master of Disaster” of the week award. I wouldn’t want no college boy from Michigan slapping my back after a game like that. Schwartz landed 75% of his jabs and 56% of his power punches to earn unanimous decision.

2 – Green Bay Packers Not a fan of A. J. Hawk flipping the bird at the Rams. That’s like an eighth grader picking on a first grader. One more time Hawk, you gettin’ a Carl crew cut.

1 – Oakland Raiders Another “W” at Carl Weathers Memorial Coliseum for the boys in black. We got the ugliest kicker, the ugliest coach and the prettiest record in the AFC so get out the way chumps!

Program note – The untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature a frank and honest analysis of the ESPN NFL Primetime “experts.” Me and Marv, we can’t figure out how John Clayton can be a douchebag, nerd and look like the pervert teacher from South Park all at once. I doubt he can even lift a football.

Patrick O. Elia