Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his mancave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for readers of The Heckler. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – San Diego Chargers Sent their JV team to Denver to beat Broncos, despite near divine intervention by his holiness, Our Lord and Savior Tim Tebow.

8 – Baltimore Ravens Ray Lewis and Ed Reed spent bye week at the Carl Weathers University of Football Destruction to freshen up their ferocity. They might as well start writing checks to the league office for decapitating QBs!

8 – Nawlin’s Saints Watching the Panthers/Saints game reminded me of a joke: How many University of Miami tight ends does it take to change a light bulb? I forget how it ends, but I recall it was pretty damn funny.

7 – San Francisco 49ers This is one mean, lean hungry squad. Harbaugh must have ’em drinking their raw eggs and chasing live chickens, how else can you explain this Alex Smith resurgence (or is it just a “surgance,” since he never really was that good)?

6 – Cam-olina Sex Panthers Newton continues his march to NFL Hall of Fame in a town soon to be called Camton, Ohio with 3 TDs (2 pass, 1 rush). He also finally received official co-credit for writing “Anchor Man.”

5 – New England Patriots Tom Brady looks a little punch drunk since his haircut.

4 – Buffalo Bills Mr. versatility, Fred Jackson, does his best Carl Weathers imitation (111 rush yards, 85 receiving yards) in split decision over Mike Vick (315 pass yards, 90 rush yards).

3 – Green Bay Packers Okay, Aaron Rogers, I see you. You do that championship belt performance one more time and I’m dusting off my trunks and givin’ you a whoopin’.

2 – Deee-troit Lions Calvin “Megaphone or whatever” Johnson earns the “Master of Disaster” player of the week after eviscerating, disintegrating, regurgitating and dominating Chicago’s secondary. Home boy looks a bit like a young Carl Weathers. I wonder if the refs got paid by the flag in this game?

1 – Oakland Raiders My boys honor the memory of the great Al Davis whoopin’ up on Houston. What I’ll miss most about Al is sitting up with him late at night, drinking scotch and creating such things as the 4-3 defense, the blitz, the sack and the Davis Trophy awarded to the Super Bowl champion (I laugh when I hear it incorrectly referred to as the Lombardi Trophy. Ha ha…not funny).

Program note – The un-televised NFL pre-game show starring myself and Marv Levy is on its bye week. Marv will write another novel and I’ll be filming Action Jackson II (starring myself, Leo, John Malkovich, all the hot Jessicas and Jim Brown).

Patrick O. Elia