Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing in only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – San Diego Chargers Phillip Rivers, you killed me in fantasy football this week with your weak-ass performance against Kansas City. One more game like that and we’re stepping into the ring.
9 – New York Jets I like the moxie Mark Sanchez showed in this inevitable loss to the Raiders. His nose was moving around like Balboa’s after Rocky but kid hung in there.
8 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers This was a good ol’ fashion bare-knuckle behind the outhouse ugly as your three legged dog beat-down of the pretty-boy Falcons that reminded me of the Sapp/Lynch Bucs of yore.
7 – New England Patriots With their loss to the Bills Sunday and the Red Sox collapsing there’s probably more excrement in Boston sport fans’ collective pants than there was in mine after I evacuated post-death in Rocky IV.
6 – Carolina Panthers My main man Camtonium Newtron continues to prove the haters wrong (you hear me, Bradshaw?) with Weathers-like ferocity, velocity and on-field atrocity.
5 – Houston Texans Boys from Houston get TKO’ed by Saints but since they played entire game in 10-gallon hats after their helmets were lost by the airline they stay top 5.
4 – Buffalo Bills I like how my old college roommate at Harvard, Mr. Ryan Fitzpatrick, carves up opposing defenses like I carve up fools. Here we go!
3 – Green Bay Packers I will be in Chicago this week for speaking engagements. If I see any Packer fan wearing a Packer jersey I will unleash a lethal combination of jabs and upper cuts upon that foolish soul. Don’t try it!
2 – Deee-troit Lions Spot the Vikings 20 on the road but Stafford to Johnson connection is 5G in OT comeback. Ndamukong Suh is the only active NFL player I think that could kill the Predator bare handed.
1 – Oakland Raiders Raiders remain undefeated at Carl Weathers Stadium with a nice win over the Jets. Darren McFadden earns the “Master of Disaster” Carl Weathers player of the week award.

Program note – The untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will not air this week. Instead, Marv and I will watch the FOX pregame show and count:
How many times the light goes off in Bradshaw’s head.
How many times Howie Long blinks (Spoiler alert! It’s 0 after all that Botox).
How many times Jimmy Johnson passes gas and blames Strahan.

Patrick O. Elia