Mike Quade has confirmed a few things in his first full-season managing the Cubs: he has an inner Bobby Cox; his handling of a pitching staff is suspect at best; and he hates rookies more than Dusty Baker and Lou Piniella combined.

As Quade continues to stick with his veteran underachievers day-in and day-out even with his team 30 games out of first, many of the team’s youngsters have permanently grown into the dugout bench. The condition, known as Rookie Rot, has already befallen 10 promising prospects.

“We had to pry Tyler Colvin up with a crowbar on Saturday,” said Cubs Clubhouse Manager Otis Hellman. “Fortunately for Tony Campana, all we had to do was grease him up a little and he slipped right through the crack between the benches.”

Steve Clevenger and Rafael Dolis, called up from Double-A on Monday, are destined to become permanent bark on the dugout pine over the next two weeks.

“I’ve promised to play Marlon Byrd every game for the rest of the season to see if he can set the MLB record for stranding runners in scoring position,” said Quade. “And Jeff Baker hasn’t hit into a double play in his last three at-bats, so he’s going to start nine out of our last 10 games. Both guys have earned their playing time. Now if I could just find a few more at-bats for our pitchers, I’ll probably be able to save my job for next year.”

By Jeremy Barewin

Jeremy Barewin