Luring fans into Wrigley Field was never a problem for the Cubs. The majestic beauty of baseball’s Pied Piper, Wrigley, has always attracted, and kept, fans until the bitter end in games lost by the Cubs in lopsided fashion.

The phenomenon occurring this year is that fans are starting to leave Wrigley in droves around the fourth inning to avoid seeing every bad baseball cliché brought to life. To prevent fans from leaving early, the Cubs are partnering with Master Lock to hold them inside Wrigley until the game is over.

“Going to Wrigley is supposed to be fun and memorable,” Cubs owner Tom Ricketts said. “And just in case it isn’t, then maybe our fans will learn to like it if they can‘t get out.”

“The Cubs were unwatchable up to now,” lifelong Cubs fan Avery Mayfair said from his Wrigley seat. “Now I’m locked inside so I might as well keep watching. And buy another beer.”

Master Lock has created gigantic chains and padlocks with the Cubs logo. The chains are wrapped around the exterior of the landmark building, and will be secured with padlocks just after the National Anthem. If any fans somehow escape from Wrigley Field during the game, they will be rounded up by any number of a multitude of security guards posted on sidewalks. The AWOL fans will be handed free passes to future Cubs games that they will be forced to attend.

By Rob C. Christiansen. Photoshop by Pat Lamorte