Jim Hendry was finally getting around to some spring cleaning this week when he was startled by something unexpected. In the very bottom drawer of his desk was the contract he had given to current first-baseman Carlos Pena prior to this season.

“When I crafted it, it was a harmless one-year deal,” said Hendry. “But it has grown into something grotesque. Now the thing is just sitting on my desk, smiling. Nobody wants to touch it!”

In addition to tentacles and new clauses, the contract now consists of three more years, tens of millions more dollars and what one witness described as “the ability to spit something that eventually burned through the tile floor.”

A lot of Hendry deals were supposed to leave Wrigley Field following this season, including the one that brought the power-hitting, light-averaged Pena to Chicago. But now that they have matured, a few other contracts have ideas of their own.

“The Aramis Ramirez contract seems to have grown through the desk and into the wall,” noted Cubs fan and handyman on the scene Joe Martinez. “But I found ‘can’t-miss’ prospect Josh Vitters sleeping behind a water cooler, anyway. It’s gotten downright weird around here.”

By Dan Bradley

Bandwagon Dan