Koyie Hill thought he was prepared for anything this season, but when the Cubs’ backup catcher was forced into starting duty by Geovany Soto’s groin injury, he quickly found something lacking. The offensively-challenged Hill mind-bogglingly made contact during a hit-and-run play against Cincinnati Monday night and had no clue where to go.

“Guys started yelling ‘Go to first!’ and I was like, ‘The first what?’” said Hill. “From my perspective behind the plate, some guys run straight ahead and some go backward. Hitting isn’t really my game. Too confusing.”

Hill now has a GPS unit sewn into his uniform and pre-programmed to locate “home plate.” The GPS won’t simply tell the catcher to stand perfectly still because most units default to the most circuitous route, although his teammates have other plans for the device.

“It’s not a GPS,” said pitcher and jokester Ryan Dempster. “I replaced that with a tape recorder that keeps repeating ‘In 90 feet, turn left.’ Oh, and it’s smeared with Icy Hot just like his jock strap.”

By Dan Bradley and Loco Rob

Bandwagon Dan